We have all made promises we wish we hadn’t made. We had a marriage that didn’t work out, a business deal we hadn’t thought through, or a friendship that has changed. If you are a person of integrity, you hate to break a promise, and you may feel guilty for doing so. Or you resent feeling stuck in a situation you find constricting.
I recently heard, “A bad promise is better broken than kept.” This maxim calls us to a higher level of spiritual integrity than the deals we make on earth. Lots of people enter into marriages, for example, for the wrong reasons. Either they were very young and did not see see their partner clearly; or they were living out a fantasy; or they were pressured by their parents, religion, or partner; or they felt insecure and unlovable, so they latched onto the first person who offered them affection and security.
All of the above are poor reasons for marriage, and no one should have to suffer for years or a lifetime as a punishment for a youthful error. One sticking point that keeps people in bad marriages is, “til death do us part.” Yet physical death is just one form of death. Relationships can die emotionally and spiritually. If you stayed or are staying in an awful situation, you are playing out the movie, “Weekend at Bernie’s,” in which two guys find their gangster boss dead in his home. To avoid being blamed, they prop up his body and carry it through a weekend of festivities. The funny thing is that no one really notices. When you participate in any relationship without your spirit being fully present, you are carrying a corpse around, which does not serve you or anyone else. The greatest contribution you can make to any relationship, whether personal, family, or business, is your full aliveness.
If you have left, or need to leave a relationship based on a bad promise, reframe it as a great learning opportunity. Some of my clients call their first marriage which they left, “my practice marriage.” Later they married for the right reasons, based on what they learned from their practice marriage. Also consider that “there is no private good.” If something is truly good for you, it is truly good for everyone involved. Very often leaving a bad relationship creates space for the other person to grow beyond where he or she would have grown if they stayed. I have heard some partners thank their spouse for divorcing them, as it opened the door to a new and more fulfilling life.
If someone has left you against your wishes, reframe as “rejection is protection” or “rejection is redirection.” Rather than bemoaning the loss, consider the lesson you learned and the opportunity the breakup has offered you.
I am not suggesting that you leave any marriage, friendship, or business rashly. In most cases, keeping a promise is an act of integrity and it helps everyone involved. You often do better to hang in there and master your lessons rather than running away. Always pray and meditate before leaving. Good promises are worth keeping.
But bad promises are not. If you are considering leaving any relationship, turn to your inner guidance. What was your state of mind when you made the promise? What is it now? Are you in integrity in leaving, or would you be in more integrity to stay? Every situation is unique. There is no book you can read that will tell you what to do in every situation.
You have reached a level of spiritual maturity where you have a relationship with your inner teacher. My mentor said, “Religion teaches obedience. Spirituality teaches self-discipline.” In many cases it seems easier to listen to what an external authority tells you to do. But ultimately you have an inner authority whose guidance is impeccable.
If you are going to make any promise, promise yourself, your higher power, and your loved ones that you will live true to your higher self. Then any promises you make in the world will be blessed reflections of your crucial initial inner promise.
